When I disapear

The morning is the most honest time of the day,
All the fantasies are gone and we remain with a vague sense of adventure

I open my eyes and you are gone
You always slip through my hands like water

You've got me writing, you've got me spinning
you've got me dizzy, you drive me crazy!

I tell myself the most despicable stories
I pretend I dont notice, I pretend to drown in my own work

But you are gone now, I know that.

I just can't keep looking back

O.MY.HEART

I can't stand it
I hate to like it
The way you touched my body
The way I don't complain

The way your hair moves
and you grab my hand to dance
The way you smile

I hate you
I hate that you are sometimes right
I hate that I wanna have you
despite all the inconveniences and impossibilities

I hate to want you so badly today.

No more

I figured I had something to say, but Im not so sure anymore.

Every morning, its a constant battle to fight you out of my head, both of you.

One makes me angry and passionate, the other tender and small.

I dont love anyone, no I dont love anyone.

(As I say this, I break down and cry)

No, I dont love anyone....

Dear S.,
Happy belated birthday. Who would have though when this all started that we would find ourselves, alone, on an Au tum morning surrounded by the cold air and silence? I miss you. You know I have for a while. We like to blame others and tend to see them as obstacles into our friendship. All the effort and dedication you put into them makes me feel left aside, but only when Im alone enough to realize it. I miss your laughter and your songs. I know what they say about us, but I miss you still. He has got nothing on us. He has got nothing. And he will never read me again.

I know how you feel, and how you think he is the answer. I understand the longing and the loneliness, the tears and the nostalgia. But before you do anything stupid, I must remind you. Before you put him in the place you want so desperately anyone to take, I must warn you. You do this all the time S. You've done it F,L and C. This one does not deserve it, not even a slight consideration. Because you need so desperately to believe someone can fill that place, that your expectations not only crush, but never become fully real. You need to stop looking for the piece that fits. Its a beautiful place to offer someone but it implies too much, too many things you are not and you don't believe. So take him out, erase him, and find a new spot for me, your most neglected love.

Find me a place, for I will never betray you.
S.

Here we go again

Head against the wall
arms behind my back
you tie them harder every time
and I can barely breath

Its anger, longing and desperation
the rejection runs through my system
only to drive me harder towards you

I fail to resist you
I refuse to acknowledge your words

And I do it to myself,
every time I chose the lie
every day I let them go

Because reality is cruel,
and you only exist in my head
and the briefs manifestations
that I might be that person that takes control
is only to fool me once again into thinking I know me

Because what I want and what I can handle
are two different things

and no matter how I try to break away from me
its only the pain you find in the end.

I wish I had never met you
I wish I had never met you
I wish I had never met you

and then the loneliness might not be so painful
and ignorance and content would take over.

Forgive me, for I don't know how to handle you
Forgive me, for the confusion, projection and expectations
Forgive me, if I don't know how to give anymore

For I am lost in my own storm,,
and my dreams are drowning
and my fears take over
and I just might not be anymore...

Multiple Choices

Is it in the lack of imagination,
rootless desperation
or simple suffocation
that my sadness resides?

The loneliness travels through the air
and an imaginary memory goes a thousand miles.

The distance between my heart and yours is infinite
But i refuse to believe I lost control.

It's in the patterns honey,
It's in the circles we trace
It's in the million faces you take
It's in my conviction that what I need is you.

Fair is to say that alter egos don't exist,
this is only between you and I,
and the million characters I take to represent you
and the smile on your face when you think I talk about you
and the different triggers that rush through my body
when I realize I might never have you.


It is the eternal search for
love
lust
provocations
desire
desperation

and the refusal to settle for anything less.

Of moons and monsters in the City

I never understood certaing decisions I've made and their outcome.
I barely question them anymore, but try to live with my present.

I am now uncertain of my lack of regret
and I wonder if we work in patterns.

You were not at my doorsteps tonight,
and I know half of our romance is in the imagination of someone else.

But I wonder, boy do I wonder!
What is it in Me that makes You,
and gives you a place that you do not wish to have.

No, this is not about you.
It's about me.